Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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