It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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