If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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