When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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