She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
