Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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