shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
