pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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