Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
