Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my sisters under your porch take her home
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
