bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
