I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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