I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
