i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
