Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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