I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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