Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
