Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
