I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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