No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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