I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
