so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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