This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
