So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
