Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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