I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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