Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
