he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's shark week go big or go home
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
