apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
