I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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