Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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