Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Duck Duck Cougar?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
