Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
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Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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