Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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