Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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