he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
