Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
