Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
