Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
