apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
