I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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