Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
