btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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