when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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