a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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