Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
