we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
