my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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