I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
