My underwear smells like fireworks.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
