Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
