I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
