I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
