i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
