Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
