Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
