she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions